Look at me! I'm updating my jounal!

Lookit it go!

_end transmition_

So..... wow, first journal since Last November. How does one even begin to update THAT much time. I don't know if I can cover everthing that's happened So I'm not going to try, I'm just going to go through what's changed, etc.

First of all somewhere along the line ( I think around april) I woke up one morning.... responcible. How does that happen, I'm still in awe, responcibility?! Me?! Anyway, This translated into what I'm doing today, directly. What waking up responcible meant was that my average kinda flip floped from 50's -is to um well... 80. Hello scholarship.

I kicked ass in all of my classes (for once) which totally rocked. My parents are somewhat happy with me (for once) and I feel a whole lot bewtter about me, and the worl and everything really. I feel like when I walked across that Stage in June I shrugged off all that negative stuff that permeated how I acted and thought and was all through highschool.

The summer was mostly spent out of home. My boyfriend of a year and nearly 3 months was sent out of home by his parents so he could learn the life lesson of what it's like to be $10,000 in debt. So as he had to work 2 pretty much full time jobs I did alot of cleaning and cooking and providing moral support.

Though I'm still Begging anyone to hire me and failing horribly, I've done a few small things like volenteering for the NDP in the elections, a one time inventory night at Woozles: a children's bookstore, and various yard work For Luke's deranged evil mother. But still no real job, which makes the prospect of having to pay my tuition at St Mary's really really scary. There are places where I know people who could help me get hired, but I can't work there, Working at the Keg would be bad, just cause that's whewre Luke works, and I think that's generally a bad Idea, and I know people at the Dairy Queen near campus, but unfortunately some of those people are people who would probably would be upset if I showed up looking to work with them. And other than that, Thanks anyway Richard, but Teletech is not my cup of tea.

Luke and I went to Maine with my new best girlfriend Anika, She's cool, even if she is american. We did all kinda of fun stuff like lay under the stars late into the night, drive really fast down deserted roads standing out of the sunroof and we dyed our hair black.... though mine didn't turn black, Just a darker brown.

This year someone who was very important to me in my childhood died, She was pretty much my second mother, my best friend Sean's mom. It was near election time, and she was very involved with the NDP, so I called her to talk to her about things and maybe have coffee, or meet at the victory party for Alexa. Sean answered the phone and When I asked for her he told me that she had died in October, She had battled Breast cancer for 5 years, adn after a trip to Scotland he health deteriorated and she passed away. This made working on the election pretty hard, my coworkers had been her best friends, adn she had developed the system we were using to tally the voter numbers. She had put me in an environment involved with politics at a very young age, which shaped the person I am today. I still don't know what to say to her husband, even though I've seen him twice since I found out. It's a shame to loose so a loving wonderful woman who was so full of life and had a laugh that echos in my memory constantly.

Moving on from depressing, after a really long time I've been thinking about watching anime again, starting with Helsing, but I'm not sure where to go after that, i'm not so interested in the silly shiney animes anymore, and I'm the only person I know who's really that interested in it, I've thought about going back to NSAMO, but I'm not sure if My old friends still go there, and I feel as though it would be awkward if I showed up and they were there, I woulnd't want to insult anyone or make them uncomfotable.

I've felt pretty guilty lately about who I was in the past, I saw and she mentioned off handedly that I should see a movie that she was meeting them for, but I should go to annother showing so as to not upset people. I Feel really bad that I had been such a bitch that after 2 years, seeing me would still upset someone. It upsets me particularly because I really miss having a group if friends, Luke is wonderful company, but I feel really lonely alot of the time, I miss being with girls, staying up late making stupid jokes, or watching movies. I also saw where she works, and I don't think I've ever felt so awkward and nervous. Usually when i see people I used to hang out with it's on the bus, or passing in the street where I don't really have time or the occasion to say anything, but Standing there while Luke bought Icecream from her for me and and ben chatting with her nicely I felt this compelling urge to say hello, but a heart wrenching fear that I would be over stepping my bounds, that she would get angry at me. And I suppose not saying anything would be better than maybe getting snapped at, or glared at.

In retrospect I'm so angry that I wasn't the person I am now, back then. It makes me feel like I cheated myself, I fucked myself over big time and the longer it's been since that spring the more guilty I feel, but there really isn't anything I can do to make it better other than not talking to them or averting my eyes when I see them, and it's agonizing. It's not that I'm dying to be friends with them again, after all, ad much as I deserved it, it hurt pretty bad, but I wish I was atleast on aquaintence terms with them. This is probably perpetuated by the fact that now that I'm 19, I have no girlfriends to go out with, Anika is 18, and though the guys are great, they would rather go to the alehouse or the seahorse or some pub where you SHOULD be drinking beer(ick), where as I want to go out dancing, to reflections or the dome or whereever else. Serves my Tom-boyishness right I suppose.

That wasn't really far out of the depressed vein, lets try again. My birthday was at the start of the month, my party was pretty nice, I had a barbeque, followed by going out to see Snakes on a plane, which rocked, but would have been much better if there had been more people there. Then we went back to Ryan's place and partied down, since Luke and Anika weren't able to go downtown. I had my first Tequila shot last night with Lily and Tom, it was pretty awesome, even though tequila tastes like the incarnate form of "blech"
Five of us did it all at the same time. Lemon has never tasted so good.

Anyway, this has gone on for far too long, so I'll end it off with a list of my classes that I'm paying over 7 thousand dollars to take

German 1101: Intro to German Language

French in school? An abomination to teaching a language, I've been in this class for two weeks, and I could speak more german to you than I could with 9 years of "french training"

Sociology 1210: Into to Sociology

This for me is a fall back class, I have no idea what I want to major in, so as long as I get a C in this and it's companion class critical analysis, I can major in soc. The class if pretty cool though, our Prof is funny, and I have it with Lexy, Courtney and Rachel.

Religious Studies 1220: Into to Comparitive Religions I - Eastern Traditions

This Proff is really hard to take notes from, but I like the subject matter, After CWR in highschool I'm obsessed with Hinduism, which is what we're doing right now. This is annother area I may major in, or atleast minor. There's not much you can do with a BA in religious studies, which really sucks cause I would love to do that.

Anthropology 1280: Intro to Biological Anthropology

My Prof Is FABULOUS, in the " he's awesome" AND the " flambouyant much?" way. " Welcome to ANTH 1280, this is by far the sexiest class to be taking your first year, you can get the sylabus on the desk up here and then we'll get to the nasty...well...not that nasty, though that might be fun with 170 of you." Can you say jaw drop? He says random stuff like that all the time. And he's really good to learn from, My only prof that I can take good notes on. I'm a huge fan of genetics and evolution and Bio so this is right up my alley, pluss gives me plenty of time to doodle pictures of Dr Ericson in drag .(I think a wig would suit him)

English 1205: Intro to Lit

This is a mandatory class, which means that there's stupid jocks in my class, it's like highschool again, I thought I left that hell hole behind damnit! THe poetry we've done so far has been good though, and there are some people who are total lit heads like me there, I just don't know how to strike up a conversation about reading prefernces and authors v.v wow nerdy.

Next semester I'm taking: Ethnology and cultural anthropology, Crytical analysis, German culture, Intro to Greman language II, Religion in contemporary culture, and Stars and Galaxies ( which is an astronomy class W00t!)

So Now that university if pretty much eating my life, and I have to read about 200 pages of text books a week I should get back to either studying, or veging so I don't fall asleep while studying later as I so often do.

Congrats to you if you read this GIANT entry, you have my solute... and a cookie as soon as I remember what the emote is.

My Luke got my kiriban... I have the sneaking suspision that he cheated....mainly becasue I was aware of his plot. But yes. Kiriban taken, drawing will begin soon.

W00t! Good news....amazingly huge good news on the DA front...and crushingly horrible news on that same front.

Good: Holy craps.....Liz has a scanner now.

Bad: Holy craps.....Liz's computer doens't like DA anymore and she can only sign in on other people's computer.

Oh the irony.

Luke was supposed to get off work at 10:30 or so I thought. It's now 12:17 and I've heard no word from him. I don't know if he actually had to work to 12:30 or what but I'm terrified. It's a friday night, and lets just say that the area he has to walk through to get back to his house from work is not an entirely pleasent place on a wednesday, let alone a friday before a long weekend. I'm fairly worried out of my head. Since about 10:30 I've been reading and wanding around the house trying to distract myself from thinking of all the horrible and highly unlikely things that may have happened to him. I think that if he doesn't call tonight I'm going to like....die. I hope that he calls me even if he gets home really late. I'm so scared about wether or not he's ok. Glaaaaah! * continues to run up and down the stairs at 15 minute intervals* The first night he close at subway was stress full like this too. I'm going to end up regretting posting this, because it's going to make him feel bad but quenching the need to vent and rant lessens my gut wrenching, heart melting fear. Please Luke, call soon.